I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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