Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
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