If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
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