the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
