just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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