eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
