Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
