I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
