apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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