I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
