Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
