She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
