we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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