I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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