He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
