exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
