That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
