I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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