My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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