I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
