You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
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