I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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