I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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