Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
