just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Randomize