I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
