Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize