Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
