And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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