He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
