I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
