i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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