Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
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