youre lurking in front of me
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
