I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
