you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Randomize
