I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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