wat bout pragnant strippers??
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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