theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
