hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
