Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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