just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
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