While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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