I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
