She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
