To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
