You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
