NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Randomize
