My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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