I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
