I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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