Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Send help, water and tortillas.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
