apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize