I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
