the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
