why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
