I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
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