Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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