sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
either way he was missing a nipple.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Randomize
