You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
