Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
