My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
