Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
