I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
