I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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