What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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