He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
