Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Found the puke drawer
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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