I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I can't turn off my feet"
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
