Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
