I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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