In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
