And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
