I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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